There is no real silver lining of a worse case scenario, except...that it forces you, in this case, me, to truly reckon with my actions, something I did not do at Yom Kippur, something that I so often do not do because it’s easier to ignore them. I can’t say more but I feel like this week has been a provider of many lessons for me, good and bad, none of them exactly earth-shattering but all of them vital.
I can't say any more, only that I've been in several such situations in my life, where I let a small problem spiral into a bigger and bigger one, watching as if from afar, which was never my intention. But, as I am slowly learning, intentions actually don't matter much, if at all. Actions do. So I am doing my best not to erase my past actions, but to both atone for them and not make them again, and try not to see things as so all or nothing. That would be incredibly easy to do, but if I have any strengths, I think they are in going to the rock bottom places and emerging from them. It's a shame that I have to go to the rock bottom to emerge, and that is something I'm going to work on in 2010 and probably for the rest of my life, but I'm both humbled and, in a way, energized by what's ahead, by the new challenges of trying to not simply wallow, but to move forward.